Captain's Log, Star-date 2004, March 7th Year of the Monkey.

My ship, USS Truth emerged from a blackhole and my crew is...

"Sigh. There is no certainty at all in life. You have it, you lose it. You get it, you break it. That's really the most sickening thing in reality. Nothing lasts. Even those things that you never want to let go. You can't keep what is not yours to keep. We live our lives fully with this ideal in our heads. That's why at the end we want to know, whether there's a God out there somewhere, in a place called Heaven, where there is no limit. There's so many good things in life. Life is hell because we can't have those good things whenever we want it, however we want it. If there's no Heaven, life is just an awful waste of time."

Learn to appreciate.

and we shall boldly go where no man has go before...

Some bad things have been happening to me of late.

I've been receiving prank calls from private numbers on my cell-phone. Now this is very annoying and I can't stand it if someone wants to call me but not say anything. For the past 3 days, I've been getting these calls and I'm starting to really wonder if I could trace your ass up and kill you. Over a series of events, I might just thank you too. For some reason of circumstance.

Oh, and here's a number. +607 2654452. Everyone who wants to have fun, you can trash on this number. I don't know whether it's the same person calling me with the private number or not, but I don't care already. Private number or not, I don't know know any fucking idiot that will call and speak up. What? Trying to stalk me? Pulezzz... what book did this lame old trick come from man?!? Get a life. If you want to talk, TALK. Don't breath down the phone when I'm asking "Who's there or Who's that or Hello..." Fucking idiot....

No mercy. Cause I just lost something cause of you. No thanks!

I'm bored.

I'm sure this is where Xanga is useful. I'm listening to Bon Jovi's 'All bout Loving You'. Nice song here really. I got the tabs for it. Real sweet. I'm looking for the lyrics to the song I wrote last time. One hit wonder la me. Hahaha. Joking...

Tonight, well, is a much better night than the previous nights. Manage to coincidentally gather a group of friends and have a drink. Was trying my best to try not get into a awkward position, since there were 2 different factions of friends there. Yeap, this is where I stop writing. I don't have much to say... sadly....

Boo, my friend and fellow Xangan neighbour Osaya has just ripped me off my typing juice. So I doubt I'd be blogging anything today. Later on I might be visiting my hometown in Klang and to find out how juicy pork tastes in that area. Wait a minute... I think I can go on...

Guess who came to my house today. Yeap, SHE did. Horrors of horrors. It was surely eye pleasing to watch her walk by me again. I do generally miss her. Okay okay... I miss her. Period. I'm beginning to see that I'd be foolish, FOOLHARDY to accept what she has done to me as nothing. No. That won't be fair to myself. If I ever fall for her again, just because of love it'd make my Xanga a meaningless pile of shit. But it did occure to me, the way some of my friends have brought to me the idea of people changing in the future. I kept a sure distance of that blinding concept, if you follow love's true tracks of compassion, compromise and understanding, leaving me now for somewhat earthly reasons, and wanting me back later when I have those things, is just not fair to me. I do feel that, seriously... there was a time when the thing I hated most, happened to me... indirectly. Polyamourous. Many Love. It infected her like mushrooms and it hit me like a loud-mouth bulldozer(pun intended for those who understand). I can almost guarantee you that she loved me still in some way from the way she looked at me. From the way she wanted to touch me could not(due to the watchful eye of a BASTARD in the car waiting. Btw, she came to collect her shoes she left behind).

That's why I didn't want to see her. I know my feelings for her hasn't died off completely. It's the truth. So, what is more important? When we see humanitarian movies of sacrifice and those of true self-saving dispicables, how do we know when to use emotions or logic to solve a problem? Knowing I somewhat love her, yet despise the very existence of our former relationship. What do I do as a human, as a man? I want to face this head-on. Why can't I just listen to my head? Why not? I firmly think its because it's the feelings that governs the complexity of choice. When we don't know the answer and cannot find it, we guess or we go by instinct. We go by feel.

True, seeing her again was like... *let's out a breath* happy.

It dims everything. The wrongs and the rights. It's just a bright light of a known fact that I do feel something when I saw her. I kept staring into her eyes when we talked although a short moment. But I'll never be able to run away from the what it was all about. Why am I suffering the yes' and no's? The left's and right's? Everything is like so CLEARLY UNCUT for me. Why can't the feeling go away? It's so logical that I need and want to go on. But the feeling stays. Why? She's gone forward, why can't I go forward? It's so damn unfair. I've done everything in my power to get her off my mind. There's nothing left in room that belongs to her. Everything's been returned. I don't call, I don't short message her. How to I rid myself of the memories. It doesn't help me at all. They say that the past makes what you are today. But the memories... they stay no matter good or bad and the facts stays too. I still have a piece of my heart... placed her on a small piece of it. It's stupid to admit so. But it is the truth. If and when I find someone else, better or whatever. I don't want that small piece to stay. I want it gone. Right now, I want it to stay for some unknown reason. Oh my God. I'm crying...

This feeling I feel, is the very esscense that I am against having more than one love. You will never know the pain when you're trying, trying your best to be better and someone better just scoops something important, something you've been fighting to learn and understand, fighting to keep... away. It's coming to 2 months. I'm still wondering, when and how do I recover. I thought I'd feel fine during the previous weblogs. Now, after seeing her again. I grow soft. I look back, and tears rolls down my cheek.

When people say 'this kind of things happen'... I think it isn't justified. The world is too greedy. Everyone wants something better. Just when I thought I could live with imperfections, the lies and deception, willing to forgive so many mistakes. The other side breaks.

The Human Condition

:: We are all born losers, until we win ::

I'm back again. Now with many new toys in my hand. College has recently reopen and now I'm attending classes every first two days of the week. That's right. I'm in deeper shit right now. I have to complete my Final Year Project in 32 weeks. I think it's pretty unfair that they take 2 weeks out of the 32 just for proposals. Damn, 2 weeks is alot of days for developing a game. A game you heard me say? Yes a game I did say. I'm venturing in Multiplayer Online Game Programming. Now, this time there will be no room for half finished sentences or half past six effort. What ever I proposed must be delivered by the end of 32 weeks. The other thing is that I just bought myself Homeworld 2. I know this isn't the conventional way of doing research on programming, but heck, who said I couldn't have fun while doing research? Yeah, after this weblog entry, it's off to space, the final frontier.

So, any insights for today? Well, yes. During the course of recovery, I for one experience great difficulty just trying to forget her. Yes, but it isn't impossible and yes, I'm doing pretty well right now. It's been a week since we communicated, although short and the days you can count them with all your fingers and have a few more to spare. But it does feel exceptionally long. I've encountered some other fruits in life that has gotten my attention. Deviation is the key to a successful recovery. I'm sure many of those who have just broken up knows it takes time. Yes it does. And time seems to flow extremely slow, so slow that you get so impatient. I have attended (heh, just say attended lar har...) to many counselling sessions over the past 2 months. Yes, everyone says the same thing, and undoubtfully, I will say the same thing also. It's just that being the one wearing the shoes, it isn't as simple as words can describe. The hardest part in recovery is that we really need to harden ourselves for the crucial few weeks. Once you're through it's all you again. You regain your conscious self and your line of sight settles on the horizon. Now you will know where to go.

As I'm writing, I'm wondering how would I end today's Human Condition. I guess it will sound somethingn like this...

Today's Human Condition...

:: People will forget ::

Haven't any of you realized that during the past warring days on our planet that when discovery channel interviews old war survivors and heroes that they greatly regret fighting. To everyone of them, war was meaningless. Well, not to dwelve into that, I'm just trying to say that, we can hardly remember the pains of war. Just as so in Love. I have a friend that has been through a dozen puppy-love and serious relationships. He too have just broken up. But guess what... he's already riding the field once again.

In reality, there's no such thing as one love-best love. There's a whole lot more to expect rather than just love. That's right. We need to fulfill every aspect of being in a relationship. It doesn't boil down to physical appearances. It never has, and it will never be although physical appearances is definitely a huge incentive. What everyone needs is that understanding. Friends have this quality. They really do. They know you well, treat you the way you like it. They know what you want and probably what you need when we are all confused. So, the question is, why can't WE be in a relationship with friends? Aha... now, nobody said we couldn't. But being anything else than that, what are the changes? Will there be change? When we think that 6 months worth of courting builds you a strong foundation, that's a tonne of bullcrap. The time is unlimited.

What's my point? I guess I'm trying to say that, seriously. Be friends first, then be something more later. Being impatient is natural. But scoring the diamond cut foundation in a relationship is a definite long term investment.

We're here to learn and enjoy life tribulations.